At various times through out our time as parents we find our children acting in ways that we find challenging. From the ages of 18-months to 3-years a child�s behaviour can be intense and challenging. Children of this age love life: they're learning to walk, are beginning to talk. Not unnaturally they are beginning to understand that they are �being� (one of the 3 "B"ees, that is so important to this centre�s philosophy), and have control of their environment. They are starting to figure out who they are. Sometimes they act in ways that you don't like; but it's very important that, as adults, we understand that is not who they are. This behaviour is all about children trying to communicate their needs and wants.
This is a period where a child can do things for themselves, while not having to verbal or social tools to tell us what they want to have, or want to do. Children of this age also don�t have the emotional skills to regulate their behaviour. This can lead to a range of, what educators call, �challenging behaviours�, such as biting, scratching, hitting, and pushing others. Educators, parents and other children can be the victim of this behaviour.
From a child care and educators perspective there two separate perspectives; biological and social.
Biological Perspective:To a young child, physical aggression seems like the quickest way to get her point across - �I�m frustrated, mad, or overwhelmed.� A young child does not have the verbal skills, or the cognitive ability to process all that is going onaround her or insideof her and put it into words. It�s no wonder that challenging behaviour becomes one of the quickest routes the child sees to get her needs met. A child simply lacks the verbal skills to say, �Hey, that is my toy, I am playing with it, find something else to play with.�
Social Perspective:A young child doesn�t yet have the maturity or self regulation skills to relax, take a deep breath and express her frustration, like an older child could. Nobody is born with these abilities. These skills will take time and require a patient, nurturing parent AND educator to convey and model these abilities. This is a process that takes time and must continually be demonstrated to the child in various areas of her life.
Over and over again as parents we ask, �How do I change these behaviours in my child? Do I punish the child?� The answer is,don�t punish challenging behaviours. We have to teach children new behaviours that will get the child what she wants, but that are not challenging behaviours. Punishing children for challenging behaviours does not work. Parents and caregivers need to take a deep breath and recognize that physical aggression is one way for a child to say, �I need help from you in figuring out how to do this better.�
Assume when your child scratches or bites, or engages in other acts of physical aggression, that she had no other choice available to her at the moment. She needs your support in finding better alternatives.
So let�s talk about some strategies for parents to try when this kind of behaviour. At 3 Bees ELC, we use the first three strategies. They are the best researched and most positive strategies for changing challenging behaviours.
- When children are pre-verbal, take time for training without expecting that the training will "take hold" until they get older. (Lots of supervision is the main parenting tool for pre-verbal children � along with distraction and redirection.) Help her practice touching family members or animals softly. Show your child how to be gentle and say, "Pat, pat," or "People are for hugging, not hitting." This does not eliminate the need for supervision until she is old enough to understand.
- Teach verbal children that feelings are different from actions. Feelings are never bad. They are just feelings. Tell your child that what he feels is okay, but it's still not okay to hit others, even if he is angry. He can tell someone, "I'm sad because____and I wish ________." Showing children a direct link between challenging behaviours and the emotions of people affected by those challenging behaviours creates an important causal link for a child. She can see how she has affected the child she has scratched, but also how sad it has made the carer she respects. So use a sad face, show the emotion in your voice that she has made you, and her friend, sad by her challenging behaviour.
- Find ways to encourage your children by teaching them skills that help them feel capable and confident. Giving a child a sense of agency is important for a child to learn socially acceptable behaviours. Ask your child to take their food bowl to the sink. Ask her to scrape left overs into the rubbish bin. Hand washing before and after a meal is another behaviour that when learned gives your child a sense that she has control over her environment. As carers of young children we are there to teach them how we want them to act. To do this effectively we also need to let children practice their skills, you don't have to do everything for your child, let her practice and grow.
- You might like to try this strategy at home. Get your child involved in creating a Positive Time Out area. Teach her that sometimes we need time to calm down until we feel better before doing anything. Don't send her to time out as a punishment, but let her know that she can choose her special time-out area any time she thinks it will help her feel better. Sometimes, when she doesn't want to use her special time out area, ask her if you can use it until you feel better � or create your own and model using it to feel better.
- Show that hitting is unacceptable by never hitting your child.
Make a visit to 3 Bees Early Learning Centre!
3 Bees Early Learning Centre is a child care centre in Oakleigh East with facilities to ensure your child is safe, secure, and happy. You and your family are welcome to tour in the centre, and you can schedule your visit by calling 03 9504 3668 or sending a message.